Watching Death
by Anthony Arnold
May 2020
I watched a snuff film the other day. A snuff film is a “pornographic movie of an actual murder.” How else would you describe a video showing the pursuit and killing of a man? And who exactly filmed this in the first place, then decided not to make it public for months after the killing?
Those are only some of the questions that I hope we get answers to.
But right now, I’m more concerned with the emotional weight of watching this play out again and again. Do you know how it feels? How many of you have a visceral reaction to these things?
At first, there’s a hot rage that builds up inside. And as it gets hotter and hotter everything else is slowly blocked out. My hands begin to tremble and there’s a tingling in my feet. One that’s accompanied by a desire to hit something.
There’s just so much rage and fury that it feels like I’ll burst if I don’t do something with it. And for most of the day I walk around like this. I try to distract myself. I try to take my mind off what I saw.
But I can’t. It lurks. It sits there, a black hole at the edge of my consciousness. It’s gravity is inescapable. Everything I try to do is pulled into it. I’m a worse father, a worse husband, and a worse person. I’m snappy with everyone around me. Distracted. Unfocused. The anger is consuming.
After this comes the cold fury. There’s still work to be done and a life to live. So, I can’t just sit around and be paralyzed by anger. In some ways, though, this feels even worse, because I immediately start to feel bad that I’m moving on so quickly.
I’m ashamed that I’ve become so used to this process that I can “suppress” my anger – that I’m so insensitive to suffering that I can see a person senselessly killed and simply move on with my life.
Then comes the grief, inexplicable sadness, sudden bouts of tears -- a knot in my stomach and the dry mouth that let me know I’m not processing any of this as well as I thought.
The truth I try to hide from myself is that I’m not doing ok. I’m not alright. I lie because I suppose it’s easier that way. But the reality is that I’m just sick of this.
Let's take a look at the facts.
- Eric Garner.
- Tamir Rice.
- Trayvon Martin.
I’m sick of this death. I’m sick of having to explain why it’s not ok. I’m sick of being told why their deaths had to happen. I’m sick of trying to make sense of it.
None of this should be normal.
We shouldn’t have to live in a place where something like this goes uninvestigated for months. We shouldn’t have to fight and fight just to get the wheels of justice slowly turning. We shouldn’t have to scratch and claw just to be shown a shred of humanity.
We all deserve better than this. We all deserve a country where decency and respect are common. Where equality and freedom aren’t just buzzwords, but are values that we strive to uphold.
A country where you can go on a run, in the middle of the day, and not have that be used as a pretext for somebody to pursue and kill you.
Wouldn’t that be nice?